Tag Archives: surviving sexual assault

Stop making me feel like a freak; a letter about being under sexual

            The last few days I have been getting reversed slut shammed, I have been shamed for not having enough sex. Yes this happens, I happen to be a little odd, having had sex once in almost two years, this makes people uncomfortable and comments like well that sounds like a boring life  come up. I simply answer that I don’t like having casual sex because it makes me feel used, cheap which is a true statement but it is so much more then that. So at this point with a president that feels it is okay to grab women by the pussy and a society that condones all of this maybe it is time to actually speak up.

          At 14 I started getting sexually harassed pretty often from all ages, I was rapped at 15, slut shamed by my mom and the cop which I later dropped the charges because everything was so over whelming it was easier to deny it then to actually admit it although I have the AOL messages to this day detailing from the mans friend what he had done to me. In short I was 15, drugged and left behind by the person I was with so it happened. In my early 20’s I was almost rapped again, the man was over 6 foot and almost 300 pounds and I am 5’4, I am not thin but I am small. I kept telling him I wanted to just be friends to which he replied “I can’t be friends I want to be more then friends” as he moved his hand from my knee to my crotch pinned by him to his couch I could not move, he asked if I wanted to watch a movie and I said yes, he got up and I ran outside. In my gut I know that if I would not have done that I would have been rapped, I know it. We happened to have mutual friends and for a long time I just didn’t talk to them because I knew that if I told them it would not matter, they would take his side and I would be slut shammed. A year went by and I finally did tell these friends because they had wondered why all of a sudden I had left, as I had predicted it was blamed all on me, the piece of shit man said I was crazy and he that he didn’t want to have sex with me and he called me an ugly fat slut.

            These are traumatic events to happen to a person. I recently read an article which I could not find the exact article but there are many out there, that state that such trauma rewires a person brain, imagine going through all of this starting at 14. I have spent half my life dealing with negative sexual experience. The only real positive experience I had was with the man that I spent three year with. I know that being under sexual having dealt with my traumas is normal; I learned that from taking human sexuality a class I took in college. Most people don’t know that people who have dealt with similar trauma tend to go one of two ways, overly sexual, or under sexual. I am not a freak, I am not the problem, and how I have been treated is the real problem.  Why is  it automatically my fault that I’m the weirdo? Why is it that people decide that I must be crazy or undate able if I choose not to partake in these things? Yes I am in therapy so I don’t need those why doesn’t she get help thoughts. My choice to be under sexual is merely an affect of the trauma which is a normal reaction. I still hang out around men, I don’t date as much but I also think people are dumb and if you are boring you don’t interest me, but that is personal preference. In a time where men think that it is the woman’s fault and constantly blame us for it, why not think about what had happened to a person to become that way rather then enforce what your own ideals are. I can’t find the quote but many years ago Lady Gaga had said that she doesn’t like to sleep around because it makes her feel like her energy is being sucked away. That is 100% true, when I give that part of myself to someone I give them something that was forced from, my first kiss was forced on me and the last time I had sex he just stuck it in without asking me, no condom or anything. These are not okay things to do to someone and making them feel bad for their choices when people like me have spent countless hours in the shower feeling dirty doesn’t help. I am a not the problem society’s ideal towards sex and sexual assault are.